I never really knew about mothers or babies for that matter until I had a most wonderful, spiritually-awakening experience in late 1994.
We had been thinking about having a baby...we were still young but had been together for over 9 years and thought the time was right. Our first home was sparcely decorated but clean and nice, we had good jobs, decent savings and a good solid family support system.
So, one night I felt odd...I just knew right at that very moment that I must be pregnant. I remember it well...Michael and I were watching a movie and eating pizza. I made him get up right then and take me to the store to get a pregnancy kit just to find out. We were so excited and I just knew it deep down! SO...just like the commercials, waiting for that 15 minutes seems to take FOREVER!!! When we finally waited the allotted time plus an extra 5 minutes because I'm supersticious...the results were NEGATIVE. OMG, what a let down. We were so disappointed and I just kept thinking...I thought I 'knew' it, but I was wrong.
A couple of weeks later, I found a huge purple raised bump on my leg. It didn't just go away like anything normal, so I went to the doctor worrying it might be a poisonous spider bite. So, they did bloodwork and sent me on my way. The next day, I got a message from the doctor to call them back and they said I was pregnant. I was like, Umm...excuse me ma'am, like no way...the kit thingy said I wasn't...it didn't have a plus sign...H-e-l-looo..! They insisted THEIR test was accurate, so still not believing them, I scheduled an appointment with my ob/gyn just to get them off my back (and just in case they were right!).
My ob/gym said I was pregnant too. At this point - I was thinking hmmm...maybe they're right, but still I didn't want to totally believe it as I still carried that terribly crushing disappointment feeling from the negative kit test and would not soon forget it. I could not have that sprung on me again. They even took a sonogram and I SAW that little round sack that they said was the baby, along with another little empty sack floating around. They said the empty sack was a 'ghost twin'...it might have been a twin baby, but it just wasn't meant to be.
So, I went along with what they said. I used to work out obsessively and noticed I was putting on 1 or 2 pounds and worked feverishly to get those off...normally that would have worked! But, it didn't. So, I began letting the idea that 'maybe' I was pregnant seep slowly into my head. However, I continued to carry that one little seed of doubt just to keep me safe (or so I reasoned at the time). I also remembered that empty little sack floating around on the sonogram.
I'm not sure when it was, maybe 3 months along when I went to the ob/gyn and he said it might be time to hear the baby's heartbeat. I think he might have felt my doubtfulness maybe...I will never know. He had tried before, but no sound. So there I was laying on the table. The room was warm, snug and cozy...the lights were dimmed. The doctor was a gentle man who seemed so excited about his profession...I think he might have still been freshly out of medical school! There we were just he and I...it was quiet, calm and the door was closed. I silently prayed to God that this was real, that maybe I truly had a baby growing inside me. He gently placed the monitor on my stomach and turned up the sound. He moved it around ever so slightly searching for that tiny feeble sound that would make my baby real. And then....he found it!! It was ever so slight, this tiny little 'swish swish' noise like a little bitty washing machine. I asked him if that was the baby's heart and he said Yes so quietly, in awe himself. We both listened so intently and quietly. As I lay there, I could feel tears rolling down the sides of my face. I was completely silent, but inside, my heart felt such a tender jolt of love that I couldn't hardly believe it. That quiet, faint 'swish swish' sound was the most precious sound I had ever heard. We listened to the heartbeat for about 3-5 minutes in complete silence. The sound reverberated off the office walls and filled the room with a joyful sound, it seemed to get louder and louder, almost like it was being drilled into my memory (and it was). I know the doctor sensed this was a very powerful and moving experience for me and I thank him every day for giving me that quiet sweet time to get to know my baby.
After that, I was finally convinced that I was having a baby and I thank the good Lord in Heaven every day for giving me this most precious gift from heaven, not only once but twice. I love you Tori and Chase, thank you for making my life more meaningful and giving me something to live for every day. Thank you Michael for sharing these two angels with me. Even now...I am crying and this is the best Mother's Day I could ever have.
My little angel, Victoria (Tori)
My 2nd angel, Chase
And now this is the coolest video I've ever seen...heehee...a friend sent it to me today (click on the link). Thanks Julie...right back at cha ;-)